remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
