I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
