shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
