i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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