A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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