I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
