Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
