MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Randomize
