Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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