I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
