Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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