The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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