the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
