I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
