GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Someone signed my nipple.
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