The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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