Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This is my life. Enjoy the view
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
