just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
