I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
