your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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