I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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