Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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