I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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