I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
