Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
