@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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