we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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