He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
