i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
