Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Your cock deserves a montage
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
