JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
