Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
