When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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