He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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