I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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