she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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