im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
