haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
