There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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