Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
