I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
NoShamevember. You game?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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