I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
