On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
