Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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