I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
