and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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