low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
