I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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