finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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