i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
