you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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