My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
