that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
